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reflecting

Today is our second wedding anniversary. We commemorated the event on Saturday, since that made more sense and Ben is working tonight, but even so.

In two years, we've had one child and are expecting a second in the near future. We've moved north, closer to family. We've been in and out of a couple different colleges. We've picked up and dropped hobbies. We've bought one major appliance, and a car that is quickly becoming too small. We've bugged the crap out of each other, had fun together, cried together, and turned two disparate lives into one.

I can honestly say these last two years have encompassed the greatest permanent change and upheaval of my life. I've turned into a mother, which has fundamentally altered the fabric of who I am. Besides being really awesome at changing diapers, I've learned about as much as anyone can about the workings of the little person currently asleep in the other room. He's a toddler now, no matter how much I call him a baby. I'm happy watching him grow up, but it's a little sad to let the baby go. But then, in the next month or so I get to start the whole thing over again with a brand new little person, who is almost guaranteed to be completely different.

Ben and I are still learning each other. Sometimes I think I'll never really know what's going on in his head, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. I might get bored. For the most part we've found a way to comfortably mold ourselves around each other, but it's a work in progress. We still piss each other off sometimes, though usually it's due to a miscommunication. Or my hormones. I have lots of those.

We're a real family, and I wouldn't trade it for anything, not on this world or any other.

the thrills of motherhood

Today was I was working on a sewing project December decided to set her bum on the side of my tummy. I rubbed the bump, and after a second she kicked back. This went on for a couple minutes, me giggling the whole time, until I tried to get her to do it so Darius could feel. Nuffin' doing. It's kind of to be expected, I suppose.

Poor Darius has no clue. He's not quite 13 months old, so it's to be expected. I dread what he's going to act like when this baby arrives--he is very definitely a mama's boy, and I can just see him flipping out when I start paying all sorts of attention to some small, loud, smelly stranger. Hopefully it'll turn out ok.

Speaking of Darius, last night he woke up at 3 and refused to go back to sleep until nearly 5. This drove Ben and I batty, especially since we had to get up earlier than usual for a doctor's appointment. I suspect Darius wasn't feeling well, because of his high-pitched whining and flailing interspersed with long periods of Zombie Baby. The flailing always, without fail, happened just as Ben or I was about to fall back asleep. You'd swear he was doing it on purpose. Today he's been normal, though, aside from turning into Evil Grumpy Child at 7:30 and then going to sleep in record speed at bedtime. That much I am thankful for.

I'm still struggling with getting him to sleep in his own bed all night. Pretty much every night he wakes up between 2 and 3 and fusses, and I get him back to sleep, and then he does it again 5 minutes later. Rinse, repeat, until 15-30 minutes later I've reached the end of my short, sleep-deprived tether, and chuck him into our bed. It's not a very good solution, since I end up extremely uncomfortable for the rest of the night. Argh.

So at my doctor's appointment I was all sleep-deprived, but this was par for the course. It was special, though, because I had to take a glucose tolerance test. Yuck. I at breakfast at 8, and at 8:45 downed a horrible syrupy orange glucose drink that make me sick to my stomach. It gave me a weird head-rush, too. I had my appointment, and at 9:45 they drew my blood. At that point I felt *awful*- nauseated, dizzy, all sorts of gross. Eating made it better, which is weird considering it was a GLUCOSE DRINK. You know, the stuff otherwise known as blood sugar? It doesn't make sense to me. The other times I've had that test, I didn't feel that way. I'm hoping that isn't a bad sign.

My back hurts. :(

learning and growning

Today is my son's first birthday. Not that he knows or cares, of course- we did nothing special, as my husband was working and I've come down with a head cold. We had a family party with my parents et al this past Sunday, and will be doing the same with Ben's family this coming Sunday. So Darius gets to stuff himself silly with cake two weekends in a row. I'm serious- we gave him a huge chunk of cake, and he ate almost all of it.

He's not really a baby any more. He's starting to mimic sounds we make and trying to talk, and he dances and learned just this morning how to go down stairs all by himself. He does things he knows he shouldn't to get attention. He sings to himself in the car, and hates taking naps. A year ago, he essentially had no personality other than hating hats, which he still does. Now he's this full-blown PERSON. Soon he'll be walking- he just has to decide to do it, all the motor skills are there.

It's exciting, but a little sad too because he's growing up and someday he'll go away. Granted, not for a long time, and there will be moments when I wish he would already, but still.

Of course, I'm getting a brand-new baby in a few months, so I get to do it all over again with an entirely new little person, who will be entirely different. A girl, for starters. I wish our circumstances were different, but I'm so excited to have a little girl I can dress up in cute little dresses.

Speaking of dresses, I bought a new sewing machine (YAY!) and today I used it to put button holes on the baby dress I've been working on. Except I really screwed up, and have to find eensy weensy buttons because the holes are too tiny and I don't know how to fix it. I misunderstood the directions ever so slightly. Go me. But hey, it's a cute dress! Now I just have to figure out how to fix it. And if I can't, well, I know what I did wrong and I can make another one.

It feels good to be able to make something useful. Of course I haven't finished any of my current projects, not quite, but I'm getting there. I'm learning.

By the way, head cold? Not fun.

quick updates

This morning I mailed off transcript requests to BYU and PQ, so that I can transfer to Weber State University. I'm excited.

School is in the air- Ben has successfully enrolled in a paralegal studies program, which he will begin in April. I am in process of getting transferred to Weber, where I will continue my secondary education... education. Granted, it'll be difficult because come September we'll have a 3 month old baby, along with Darius, who will be 18 months. But I'm willing to deal and go to school anyway, so long as Weber is ok with me carrying around an infant. For the first semester, I'm not ok leaving her at home, because I think that's just too young. I fully intend to exclusively breastfeed until she's 6 months, too, so I need to keep her close anyway.

My sewing machine died just before I finished this cute little dress I'm making for December. However, there is hope! I'm gonna get a new machine! YAY! With decorative stitches and an automatic buttonhole function! I can not overestimate the importance of automatic buttonholes. Doing them manually sucks. A lot.

I have heartburn, despite taking a wee pink heartburn pill twice a day. I am perturbed. Not to mention feeling rather gross. I hope I'm not getting sick, which would put a real damper in our Valentine plans. We're going to see Sherlock Holmes. :) Robert Downey Jr. makes me so happy. Granted, I've only seen him in Iron Man, but since that movie rocked my socks I'm more than willing to go see something else starring him. Of course I'd see it anyway, because Sherlock Holmes is the awesome, but that's a moot point, because so is Robert Downey Jr.

My son is waili9ng because he thinks I've abandoned him. I should go save him from baby jail.

sugar

Last night I was awakened around 11 by a fierce pain in my right side, cupped inside my hipbone. When I did so I realized I felt awful-dizzy, nauseated, and shivering so hard that I was making the whole bed shake. My blood sugar had dropped dangerously low. I called Ben, like you do, and he came downstairs and promptly started being the Food Tyrant. He spent the next hour and a half forcing food and apple juice down my ill self. I improved, and eventually dropped back to an uneasy sleep.

The shivering lasted probably about half hour or so, and this morning my stomach muscles are all incredibly sore because of it. I can hardly move without being in pain. Plus the sore spot by my hip is still there.

So Ben called my work, I called my OB, and he took me in. Apparently it's just round ligament pain, which gets worse if you have kids really close together. Joy. She did take blood tests in case it's appendicitis, though. I also subjected myself to a glucose tolerance test, and drank 12oz of probably the grossest drink I've ever encountered. Yuck.

I've been home since, loafing. Two hours of sleep hasn't tempered my headache, or the rest of it. Thankfully Darius is spending the afternoon at my MILs, to give me a chance to recuperate somewhat.

This sucks, a lot.

holiday

The past week has been immensely over the top insane. I've never been this busy during a break before.

Christmas was had and enjoyed, of course. We spent Christmas Eve with my family, which meant opening presents, eating tasty food, and trying not to strangle my younger siblings. Christmas Day, Ben woke me up a 7:30, over the moon that it was finally Christmas. Darius, despite determinedly unwrapping things when I was trying to wrap them, wasn't too enthusiastic about unwrapping his own presents. Go figure. Ben and I exchanged gifts with each other and Brandon, and then spent the rest of the day over at Ben's parents' playing Lego Star Wars. Much good loots were had. Being the geek that I am, I was most excited about the huge pile of scrapbooking stuff my MIL gave me. Papers! And ribbon! And storage! EEEE!! I also used a bunch of Christmas money from my grandmother to buy supplies, and have been doing little else for the past couple days. When I'm at home, anyway.

The day after Christmas, Ben's grandmother passed away after a long illness. The family coalesced around my MIL, who had been her caretaker for years. There was some mild drama, but funeral arrangements were made and she was laid to rest on the afternoon of New Years Eve. It seemed auspicious to me. Ben was entirely dry-eyed after her death, as she was quite old and missed her late husband desperately, but at the funeral he cried. Old or not, she's still Grandma, and we'll all miss her.

After all the funerary events were over, we gathered at the house yet again to stay up all night and celebrate the New Year, recent loss notwithstanding. I ended up crashing on the living room couch until just before midnight. Darius stayed awake pretty much until 1am, and loved every blessed second of it. Eventually, peeved at his refusal to wind down, I basically held him down while he threw a temper tantrum and then fell asleep. I hate having to do it, but not as much as I hate having to keep a 10 month old boy out of the dog dishes in the middle of the night, when he should be long asleep.

Today, I've done laundry. Yay.

So, on we go to the new year.

commcercialized

I found out how to secure a sub for work, only to have the one person who could do it tomorrow bail out at the last minute. My coworkers are screwed and don't know it yet. I feel bad, but at this point I can do exactly nothing about it.

We have a Christmas tree! After much weeping and wailing (on my part) we secured a 6.5ft pre-lit tree, and yes it's artificial and so there is a certain depth of Christmas lacking (ie pine-tree smell) but hey, it's a tree! Which is 150% better than last year, when we had jack squat. We've also been out spending absurd amounts of money on Christmas presents for various family members. Maybe I'm a bad person, but I've always taken a pull-names-out-of-a-hat kind of approach to buying presents--basically, if I could come up with something you might like, you'll get something. Which meant maybe half of the people I spend time with would get something. Ben, however, takes the everyone-I'm-related-to approach. This means I got frustrated at spending 3 hours in Target looking for power tools, which really isn't the best place to be looking anyway. They do have some awesome tree ornaments though.

As far as getting presents for my lovely husband... I've got nuffin. The plan, a la Ben, is to get everyone else on our list, then spend whatever's left on each other. Ok, if you say so, but with buying presents and that pesky stuff known as food I dunno that we'll have $10, let alone enough to get anything worth buying. It's probably just my inherent financial paranoia speaking, though. I get weird about spending any amount of money, no matter how necessary. Ben had to order me to go buy .new shoes, even though I've needed them for well over a month.

So. Christmas approacheth. I've never wrapped so many presents in my life. Yay sales!

mid-winter ickies

I woke up this morning feeling awful, after a weekend of feeling mildly unwell. So Ben made me call in sick. We raced to get Darius to his well-child appointment (all is well in that department) and then took me to my own appointment. I was diagnosed with a combination sinus infection and unknown virus, given an antibiotic, and told to stay home for the rest of the week. So I have to find a sub for work, and have no idea how to go about doing that.

Darius is being babysat, as usual, except I'm at home. Instead of sleeping, like I was told to, I've been wrapping presents, making photo CDs, cleaning out my camera, and reading MLIA. Whether or not that counts as an afternoon well spent, I'm certainly more relaxed for it. Except now my headache is coming back. Yurk.

I feel like a bad person for not going to work, but at the same it's going to be nice spending the next few days pretending I'm a SAHM. Maybe I'll even get more sleep, though I doubt it.

I have to take amoxicillin pills the size of my thumbnail. Not fun.

the view from the hamster wheel

I have recently discovered the marvel that is Pandora. I know, I know, I am--as usual--a little behind the technology curve. But even so, dude! AC/DC and Disney right at my fingertips! Sweet!

If you pay attention to my Facebook updates, you will have noticed that I mentioned an ultrasound. Yes, I'm pregnant again. Unplanned, definitely, but no BC is perfect. I'm over the being irritated and just enjoying a spectacularly easy pregnancy. Not kidding--99% of the time, I feel totally normal. So normal, I often have to remind myself that it's really real. The ultrasound pictures help. I'm just entering the 2nd trimester and my due date is June 9th. I'm too busy to pay more attention than that.

Holy poop monkeys, am I busy. Christmas is looming, and I'm enjoying it immensely. I've already begun wrapping presents. We don't have a tree yet, woe is me, but hopefully will soon. (crosses fingers) At least we'd better--I've bought a bunch of ornaments and don't want to just hang them from the banisters, no matter how cute some people might find that. I'm also working a "part time" job. I'm there from 9 to 3, roughly, and have an uber long lunch break, but thankfully have Fridays off because otherwise I would explode. I hardly ever see Ben anymore, since he leaves for work before I get home and I'm asleep before he gets home. It sucks. I thought that this Friday, which I usually have off, we could spend the morning being all couple-y, but I found out at the last minute that I have to haul myself half an hour down the highway at 8am for a mandatory 3 hour training session that the powers-that-be didn't see fit to inform me of. My supervisor let me know, gee thanks. So I get to spend the morning getting lectured on how I'm not doing my job.

I also still have to try and keep the house somewhat livable, get laundry done, grocery shop, make dinner, keep my son from killing himself and/or the cat, and otherwise entertain and care for him. The amount of housework I have to do didn't change when I started working, it just got squished into less time. And since I'm usually exhausted when I get home (the only real prego symptom I've got besides mild food issues) a lot of the time some of it doesn't get done and I just spend the my afternoon on the computer. Case in point.

I did, however, make dinner, bake cupcakes, wrap 3 presents (with Darius' enthusiastic interference; he saw Glenn unwrap birthday presents and can't wait to do some of his own), and clean up my mess afterward. I also bought food. For me, that's a pretty darn productive evening on a workday.

So yes, I'm peeved about having to get up even earlier than usual and brave rush-hour traffic for job training, when I've been in my job for nearly 6 weeks. I think I know what I'm doing by now, even if sometimes the kids do overwhelm me a little. It's disconcerting to have a little girl scream at the top of her lungs and try to bite you because she wants to play dolls instead of listen to the teacher.

On top of all of this, I'm getting fat at an accelerated rate and Ben's soothing isn't much help. And Old Navy had the perfect jeans, but not in the size I needed. There was much weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth, especially when I look at my 2 lonely pairs of pants. Doing laundry every other day sucks.

I should stop whining and make frosting for the cupcakes. And put Darius to bed. And myself, come to think of it.

tummy issues

Right about now, I'm usually feeding goldfish crackers and apple juice to a coterie of preschoolers. Not so today, obviously.

Last night Darius barfed, as in actual attack-of-the-ickies and not just generic immature baby sphincter stuff. He was one miserable little man. To top it off, when he got up this morning he was borderline inconsolable and rather lethargic. So I called in sick- I didn't want to expose his cousins to some unknown bug. Tylenol made him feel better for a couple hours--he chased the cat with only slightly less zeal than usual--but he soon sank back into lethargy.

I took him in to the Instacare, where we got the brilliant diagnosis of short-lived stomach bug. Never mind his red throat and continuing cough; apparently those aren't interesting. I was told to get him to drink/eat what I could, but to worry mostly about hydration and just keep an eye on things. He should be all better in a couple days. Well, here's hoping.

To add to the insanity, I'm making my SIL's wedding cake for Friday night.Between caring for Darius and myself (i'm starting to feel off myself) I've been making marshmallow fondant. It's super easy, just tedious- I had to melt the marshmallows in a double boiler and it took ages. I keep trying to figure out in my head when all the different elements need to be made, and I keep confusing myself.

Fun stuff.

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